Update.

Sometimes I have to sit and wonder, what would everyone's life be like if I were dead. It's a strange thing to sit and wonder about, I know. I want to be able to see people cry upon hearing of my untimely death. I want to see how they'd react to my suicide. Who would speak at my funeral? Honestly, if I could fake these things, I would. I'd place recorders throughout my family and friend's to see who actually care. I want to see who I would affect. But this of course this is all because I am sick. My brain stopped functioning and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I've been so happy and every time I'm left alone, I forget how to live. Jealousy and fear overtake all of the joy I have saved up. I'm become lost and I don't know what to do.

The Penniless Sitar Player

For the longest time, I focused on one thing and one thing only: living. I thought that if I went through the motions and continued on everyday and focused on being happy, I would be. However, I overlooked the most important thing. I overlooked something that would make me happier than I'd ever be. Something that changed me for the better. Something that would show me who I am. I overlooked the most beautiful thing in the world. I overlooked love.
     And yes, I know what you're thinking. Not this love shit again, been there done that. She's just a girl, what could she possibly know about love? Well, fictional fifty-year-old-woman-with-seventy-four-cats-that-I-just-made-up, I know that love is, above all things, real. Honestly, I don't understand how someone can't believe in it. After all, it is love that brought them into this world; well, perhaps maybe love making but still. It may take a while for you to realize it, as it sure as hell did for me, but once you're in love, don't let it go. This is the best and most happiest you will ever be. Losing the one I love is my biggest fear in the world and I'd be willing to go to hell and back if it meant keeping him. I'd probably endure almost anything if it meant him staying. Now, you're probably thinking, what's so special about him? He's just a boy. What could he possibly know about love? Well, earlier today while you were talking to your Siamese and yelling for one of your Tabby's to get off of the counter, he was here with me. And for the first time in a week, I felt safe again. I felt free. I felt myself. I felt happy.
     There are a lot of things to learn in this life. You learn from your parents and your teachers and your friends and family. However, there is only one person who can teach you the most important thing you will ever be taught. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."